Q. Did you hear about the blonde that ran out of gas? A. She sold her car so she could buy more.

The two worst things about getting old are: My memory isn’t as good as it used to be and...ah...oh, yeah, my memory isn’t as good as it used to be.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’” “But why?” asks the man. “I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Right after being involved in a fender bender the young boy called his father and said, “Hey, Dad, I have great news. You haven’t been pouring all those insurance payments down the drain after all.”

After bloody rioting the military had established a 10:00 p.m. curfew. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45 pm. “Why did you do that?” the soldier was asked by his superior officer.” “I know where he lives,” he replied, “and he wouldn’t have made it.”

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come by his business for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican’s pocket and took out $50. He kept $45 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.

A preacher goes into a bar and says, “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says, “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?” The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

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