Irreverent Jokes – Issue #80

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #80


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked and sure enough, they were.

It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on"this time on the right feet. He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”

She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”

He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”

Her trial starts next month.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Mike, and Sean, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past an old graveyard.

“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.”

“That’s nothing,” says Mike, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died.”

Just then, Sean yells out, “But here’s a fellow who died when he was 145 years old!”

“What was his name?” asks Paddy.

Sean lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancée’s mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door… There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancée what her parents did, and that I thought their “little test” was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, “If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?”

“No, I stopped drinking years ago,” the bum said.

“Will you use it to gamble?”

“I don’t gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”

“Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?”

“Are you MAD? I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

The man said, “Well, I’m not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I’m going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The bum was astounded.

“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.”

The man replied, “Hey, man, that’s OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up drinking, gambling, and golf!”

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig, and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig’s house and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.” And he did. So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig’s house and said, “Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house.” So the stick Pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.” And he did. So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig’s house and said, “Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!” So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, “I’m gonna huff and puff and blow your house down.”

The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call. A few minutes passed and a big, black stretch limo pulled up. Out stepped two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs went over to the wolf, grabbed him by the neck and beat the stuffing out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in is mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they got back into their limo and drove off. The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!

“Who the heck were those guys?” they asked.

“Those were my cousins from Jersey … the Guinea Pigs.”

Two men working in a factory were talking. “I know how to get some time off,” said one.

“How are you going to do that?”

“Watch,” he said, and climbed up on a rafter. The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied. “I’m a lightbulb.”

“I think you need some time off,” the foreman said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” the foreman shouted.

“I can’t work in the dark,” he said.

At 2:00 a.m. a cop saw a man, obviously drunk, walking down the street. He pulled over, stepped out of his vehicle and confronted the drunk.

“Where are you going?” he asked the man.

“To a lecture,” the drunk replied.

“And who,” the officer asked looking at his watch, “gives lectures at 2:00 a.m.?”

“My wife.”


Nearly every man is a firm believer in heredity until his son makes a fool of himself.

Q. Why do women close their eyes when they kiss?

A. They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

The Ant and the Grasshopper"CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

The Ant and the Grasshopper"MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving. National News shows up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The nation is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

The opposition parties stage a demonstration in front of the ant’s house, where the news stations film the group singing, “We Shall Overcome.”

A local member of government rants in an interview with a celebrity news reporter that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.”

Finally, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Anti Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire green bugs for help and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

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