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BHM Newsletter
November 21, 2005
First, this will be the last issue of 2005. The Newsletter will resume publication in January, 2006. Second, because the holidays are often the most stressful time of year for many folks, we thought we'd keep this issue light in hopes of eliciting a few pre-stress smiles. And finally, everyone here at Backwoods Home Magazine wishes all our Newsletter subscribers a happy Thanksgiving, a joyful Christmas season, and a healthy and prosperous New Year.
Here's a quick and handy tip for solving the problem of creaking doors and 'sticking' keys. Grab a normal lead pencil (it's not actually lead, its graphite) and go over all the joints in your hinges. Work the door back and forward a few times and repeat the whole process. The graphite in the pencil lubricates the brass or iron without corroding it. Graphite is dry and as such it won't promote rust.
This also works for 'sticky' keys as well. Work the pencil over the grooves in the key and gently inside the key hole as well (but really gently - you don't want to break off the tip of the pencil in the lock). Then work the key in and out of the lock a few times, and gingerly work the lock with the key. Get up a good 'jiggling' motion - it will come naturally by feel as much as anything else. Graphite also comes in a 'puffer spray' tube and this stuff's great, but it has exactly the same ingredients as a pencil, and a pencil is more likely to be on hand.
It helps if you get a friend to wear it while you do this as you can access all the nooks and crannies - it's also a great way to bond with a prospective new partner. Eventually the mitten is completely full and you can clean it with a really stiff brush.
If you keep dogs, you have to keep them clean. And a fast way of drying your dog after giving it a bath is to use a chamois leather - not only does it dry them in half the time but it makes their coats exceptionally soft. Alternatively, if you prefer, you can let your pets dry naturally. The only possible problem with this method is finding large enough pins to keep them on the clothesline.
1. Only eat foods that you can personally catch or harvest with your own hands. 2. Only eat foods that start with the letter ‘z’. 3. Eat only seasonal items, like reindeer, elves, pine cones, and poinsettia salad. 4. Wash your Christmas cookie before eating them. 5. Avoid Stress - take Valium instead of food, it has fewer calories. 6. Increase activity. Instead of using elevators and escalators, buy some mountain climbing equipment and scale the outside of the building. 7. Avoid all nuts and fruitcakes - such as Weird Uncle Henry and your crazy sister-in-law Bertha. If you can't, see #5 . 8. Become pregnant a month before Thanksgiving, so that you’ll be nauseated all the time during the holidays.
We heard a runor recently that a large university was conducting an in-depth study of why men have such a hard time picking up women. We think the following list of common pickup lines more than explains the problem:
What better way to celebrate the holidays than with some fabulous fruitcakes. (The edible ones, not the ones you're related to) Same Day Fruit Cake
Chop fruits coarsely in a blender or food processor using the liquid from the pineapple plus the rum and cherry brandy. Drain off excess liquid and set aside. Sift together flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and cloves. Cream together butter and sugar until mixture is light. Add the eggs, one at a time until blended. Stir in dry ingredients gradually into egg and butter batter. Add fruit mixture slowly ensuring all fruit are well blended in. Check batter consistency and adjust by adding more flour if necessary. Stand the mixing spoon in the middle of the batter. The spoon should stand on its own. Pour batter into well greased and floured pan(s). Cook in preheated 250F oven for 2 1/2 - 3 hours or until a tester inserted in center of cake comes out clean. Pour extra liquid from fruit blend and any leftover rum or cherry brandy, plus the cognac over the hot cake(s). Cool for 24 hours in the pan(s). When cool, moisten generously with cognac, remove from pan(s), and wrap in plastic wrap followed by aluminum foil. Olde Yankee Fruitcake
Preheat oven to 325F. Put the baking soda in a 2-cup measure and add the buttermilk. Stir well with a fork and set aside. (The soda will make the buttermilk foam and rise.) Combine the dried cherries, cranberries, and raisins with the brandy in a small saucepan. Bring to a boil, simmer for 5 minutes, cover the pan, and let the fruit steep. Butter and flour a 9-inch sprig form pan or angel food cake pan. Tap out any excess flour. Cream the butter and sugar together until light and fluffy and beat in the eggs. Combine the flour with the salt and nutmeg and sift the dry ingredients together. Beat the flour mixture into the butter mixture in thirds, alternating with the buttermilk mixture. Scrape the bowl as necessary. Fold in the fruit, the candied rind, and the nuts, making sure they are evenly distributed thought the batter. Spoon the mixture into the cake pan, smooth the top, and sprinkle it evenly with the remaining 3 tablespoons of sugar. Bake 1 hour and 40 minutes. Let the cake cool on a rack for an hour. Carefully turn it out of the pan and invert it onto a cake plate, sugared side up. Serve right away or wrap tightly in several layers of plastic wrap and store in an airtight container 2 weeks at room temperature, or 1 month in the refrigerator. Tuscan Fruitcake
Preheat oven to 375F. Butter an 8-inch round cake pan and line the bottom with a piece of parchment paper. Spread the almonds and hazelnuts on a baking sheet, keeping them separate, and toast until lightly browned and fragrant, about 6 minutes. Remove from oven and place almonds on a cutting board. Put the hazelnuts on a kitchen towel and rub them with the towel to remove the skins (don’t worry of there are bits of skin remaining). Place hazelnuts on the board along with the almonds and coarsely chop all the nuts, then place them in a large bowl. Reduce oven to 350F. Add candied peel, flour, and spices to the nuts and mix well. In a small saucepan, combine honey and granulated sugar and heat over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until the sugar melts, about 3 minutes. Stir the honey mixture into the almond-fruit mixture, mixing well. Transfer the batter to the prepared pan. When it is cool enough to handle, wet your hands and press the mixture evenly into the pan. Bake 30-35 minutes, until golden brown. Remove from oven and invert onto a rack. Lift off the pan and let cool. When cooled, peel off the parchment. Dust the top liberally with confectioner’s sugar. Texas Pecan Fruitcake
In a very large bowl or pot, cream butter and sugar. Add beaten egg yolks, then a little flour, then the baking soda dissolved in the warm wine. Add the remaining flour alternately with the lemon extract. Stir in the fruit and nuts; then fold in the beaten egg whites. Bake in pans lined with wax paper at 250 degrees for about four hours. Yields four loaves. No-Bake Fruitcake
Grease one 9x13 inch pan. Combine all the ingredients and mix well. Spread batter into the prepared pan. Let cake stand in a cool place and age for at least one week before serving. Japanese Fruit Cake
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Grease and flour three 9 inch round cake pans. Cream together butter, 2 cups sugar, eggs, and vanilla. Sift together flour, baking powder, and salt. Add flour mixture alternately with milk into egg mixture. Divide batter into 3 parts. Fill two pans with plain batter. Add spices, raisins, and nuts into remaining batter, and pour batter into third pan. Bake for 25 minutes, or until done. Cool layers on wire racks. Mix together orange juice and rind, 2 cups coconut, 2 cups sugar, boiling water, and cornstarch in a 2 quart pan. Bring to a boil, and cook until mixture falls in lumps from a spoon. Put layers together with filling, placing spiced layer in the center. Frost the cake and cover with remaining coconut. Chocolate Fruitcake
In large bowl, combine fruits. Pour bourbon and molasses over all. Cover; let stand overnight. Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Add nuts to fruit mixture. Cream butter with sugars. Beat in eggs, one at a time. Add chocolate. Add remaining ingredients to mixture; mix well. Add fruits and nuts. Pour into 2 greased and waxed paper-lined 9 x 5 x 3-inch pans. Bake for 3 hours.
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands: Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy. Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren. Your son,
John PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. Thanks to Elena Berry for sharing that one 
Wouldn’t you love to hear how the 12th man is explaining that to the police officer? And does the cop look like he’s buying it? Understanding WomenFINE — This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. FIVE MINUTES — If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. NOTHING — This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine" GO AHEAD — This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. LOUD SIGH — This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" THAT'S OKAY — This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. THANKS — A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome. Thanks to David at airmail.net for sharing that one 
Confirming what every woman knows A woman awakens during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she asks tenderly as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember when we were first dating, we were so young?" he asks. "Yes" replies the wife. The husband continues, his voice brimming with emotion. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll see that you go to jail for 30 years?'" "I remember that," she replies softly, taking his hand. He wipes a tear from his cheek and says, "I would have got out today!!" Name withheld for safety reasons
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress," he told her. "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him. It will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" The doctor's words flashed through her head just before she told him, "You're going to die."
By Don E. Ringer
I learned from an expert, my father. Following his suggestions one can have clean, bright and dry hay during the depths of winter. Below are four steps and some suggestions to consider before starting this project: 1. Location: Choose a sunny spot away from trees. It might be more pleasant to build the stack under a large tree, especially on a hot day when the shade is more inviting than a sunny hay field, but if at all possible keep the stack away from trees. Stacks need sun and moving air to keep the surface dry. Make sure that surface water drains away from the stack, not toward it. 2. The Base: It is imperative that a good base be constructed to prevent the hay from coming into contact with the earth. Without that, moisture rises and the hay molds. Poles cut from the woodlot, old fence posts or dead tree limbs, used or broken wood pallets or discarded automobile tires all can be used as a base. Such a base also provides a cozy spot where wild creatures can spend winter months.
3. The Size: Avoid making the base too large. It takes more hay to build a good stack than most people anticipate. If there should not be enough hay to build a good pyramid-shaped top the stack will not shed water properly and the hay will be damaged. It is better to underestimate the size than to overestimate it. A stack 8' or 10' square is a manageable size and if any hay is left over another can be built. 4. Building The Stack: How the hay is moved from the field to the stack site depends upon what equipment is available. Some may use trucks, trailers or wagons. Others may build haycocks and drag them to the stack but whatever means is chosen, be prepared for hard work and allow for ample time for the project.
In teaching me to build a stack, my father frequently repeated “push it out” and “tramp it good.” This is good advice when understood. Following the first piece of advice prevents the sides from creeping inward as hay is added to the base. The stack sides must be vertical and will become so only if each fork-full of hay is pushed outward as it is added to the stack. Tramp it good means to walk upon each fork-full until it is compacted into its place. A loosely packed stack will take on an odd shape, may collapse to one side, and will surely not shed water well. The bottom part of the stack must be well formed and solid before the pyramid-shaped top is added. The top is equally as important as is the base. This is the part of the stack that sheds the water. To construct it properly the builder may allow all sides to ever so gradually pull inward until a sharp point is reached in the exact center of the stack. By this time the stack should be 12' to 14' high and then selected long stemmed hay should be used for the very top as a "roof" for the stack. After all of this effort you may now stand back and admire your work.
A long sternmed plant such as timothy or orchard grass makes a far better stack and will keep much better than the broad leafed legumes. Legumes do not shed water well and there will be more mold and waste. The long stemmed grasses are generally accepted as being a better horse feed than the legumes. It is advisable to keep a tarpaulin or a large sheet of heavy gauge plastic handy in case of a sudden rain before the stack is completed. Builders must make every effort to keep rain off an unfinished stack as it will absorb water much like a sponge, and it will be difficult if not impossible to get the hay dry. Wet hay will mold making it unfit for feeding. During the winter months, as hay is removed from the stack, these same protective coverings are necessary to protect the remaining hay. Building a haystack requires considerable effort but if done properly will provide your animals with a good quality forage dunng the winter months at little or no cost. In addition you will have a feeling of accomplishment somewhat akin to having a root cellar filled with fruits and vegetables for your own personal use.
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