Irreverent Jokes – Issue #102

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #102

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Florida Everglades. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay the high prices the vendors were asking.

She shouted at one of the shopkeepers, “Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free.”

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, “Little lady, just go and give it a try!”

The blonde headed toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots the same blonde woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then he spots a huge 9-foot alligator swimming rapidly towards her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the critter, and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead critters all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blond struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, “Damn…this one’s barefoot too!”

The tribal wisdom of the Lakota Sioux, passed on from generation to generation, says: “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, you should dismount.” However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buy a stronger whip.

2. Change riders.

3. Appoint a committee to study the horse.

4. Arrange to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lower the standards to include dead horses.

6. Reclassify the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harness several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.

10. Do a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.

11. Declare that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, costs less, and has lower overhead, it contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do other horses.

12. Rewrite the performance requirements for all horses.

And of course…

13. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Wit and wisdom from the military
manuals and flight records

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. " Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

Aim towards the enemy. " Instruction printed on U.S. rocket launcher

When the pin is pulled Mr. Grenade is not our friend. " U.S. Marine Corps

It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed. " U.S. Air Force Manual

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons. " General MacArthur

Five-second fuses only last three seconds. " Infantry Journal

If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush. "Infantry Journal

No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection. "Joe Gay

Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once. " Unknown

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: “Why is it doing that?”, “Where are we?” and “Oh S…!”

Airspeed, altitude, and brains. Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.

If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.

Basic Flying Rules: Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees, and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah,” said Eddie. “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Harvey replied, “she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

“She said, “Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!”

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