An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walked into a pub.

Each ordered a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one’s beer. The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one. The Scot took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer. The Irishman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled, “SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!”

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant—an Air Force guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.

“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Good night, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

An Irish daughter had not been home for more than five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her.

“Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?”

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff…Dad…I became a prostitute…”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership in the country club…(takes a breath)…and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and…”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff…a prostitute Dad! Sniff, sniff.”

“Oh! Begorrah! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said ‘a Protestant.’ Come here and give yer old man a hug!”

A certain tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion for a rather mysterious client. He devoted over a year to the case, familiarizing himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court.

His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client on every count.

Flushed with victory, the lawyer exuberantly cabled his client, “Justice has triumphed!”

A realistic fellow, the client immediately wired back, “Appeal at once!”