Rick, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher, but just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

The punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

There was dead silence. He had no trouble with discipline that year.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.

Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet…

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”

An old guy was shopping the other day, pushing his cart around, when he collided with a young guy also pushing his cart. He said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The younger man says, “That’s OK. What a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy adds, “Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?”

The young guy says, “Well, she’s 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, buxom figure, and she’s wearing tight white shorts and a halter top. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy replies, “Doesn’t matter. Let’s look for yours.”

After having a disagreement, an old married couple drove down a country lane for several minutes without saying a word to each other. Both believed they were right, and neither wanted to give in.

They approached a pasture with a pack of mules.

“Relatives of yours?” the husband asked, gesturing at the group of animals.

“Yep,” the wife replied. “In-Laws.”