A cynical Hollywood agent was interviewing candidates for upcoming acts. The first man entered his office and the agent asked, “What do you do?”

The man sat down, positioned a dummy on his lap, and the dummy began to speak.

“Get out,” the agent said. “No one’s interested in ventriloquists anymore. Besides, I can see your lips moving.”

A second man came in and the agent asked, “What do you do?”

The man waved his arms over the agent’s desk and articles on it began to disappear.

“Get out,” the agent said. “No one cares about magicians. Besides, I can see you putting things up your sleeves.”

A third man came in and the agent asked, “What do you do?”

The man waved his arms and suddenly started to rise from the floor. Soon he was hovering near the ceiling, then he was flying around the room. Next, he flew out an open window despite the fact they were on the seventeenth floor. Then he flew back in and landed in front of the agent’s desk.

The agent looked at him and asked, “Is that all you do"bird imitations?”

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope, and nothing happens. He declares that he’s been saved by divine intervention, so he’s let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade. He claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime, and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem….”

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he’s stopped in traffic and thinks, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we’re not even moving.”

He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and says, “Excuse me officer, what’s the hold up?”

“O.J. just found out the verdict, he’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.”

The man says, “Oh really, how much have you got so far.”

“So far….10 gallons.”

Brace yourself, Mr. Jones,” the physician told the patient on whom he had performed a battery of costly tests. “You have approximately six months to live.”

“But I don’t have insurance, doctor,” said Cassidy, “and I can’t skimp and save enough to pay you in that time!”

“All right, all right,” soothed the medical man. “Let’s say nine months, then.”

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. “Your wife makes a delicious roast,” one chief said.

“Thanks,” his friend said. “But I’m sure gonna miss her.”