A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You’ve been a good cat all these years. Anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.”
The cat says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.”
God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer He made the cat.
The mice said, “All our life we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run any more.”
God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, “How are you doing? Are you happy here?”
The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those meals on wheels you’ve been sending over are the best.”
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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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Patty and Mike were walking along the street and came across a building with a sign that said Taco Bell. Patty turned to Mike and said, “I didn’t know the Mexicans had their own phone company.”
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Three blonds got in the car and drove to Disneyland. When they exited the freeway, they saw a sign at the end of the ramp:
“Disneyland Left”
So they turned around and went home.
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| Chinese Bumper Sticker: |
I LIKE CATS!
(THEY TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!) |
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Letter to the Secretary of Agriculture, Washington, D.C.
(Submitted by a potential pig farmer)
Dear Sir:
My friend Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. Therefore I want to go into the “Not Raising Hogs” business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure I approach this project while keeping in line with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Yorkshires, but if that isn’t a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Durocs or Razorbacks.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.
My friend Peterson is very excited about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for 20 years or so and the best he ever made on them was $628 in 1982, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which should mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford one of those new Dodge Ram 4 wheel drive pickups.
Now another thing. These hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising the corn that won’t be needed to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the “Not Milking Cows” business too, so please send any information you have on that program.
In view of these circumstances, you understand I will be totally unemployed and will need to file for unemployment and food stamps. Please let me know when you plan to distribute free cheese and flour in this area.
Be assured that you and Bill Clinton will get my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours,
Joe Schmoe
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While waiting two hours at the Honolulu Airport for their next flight to San Francisco two friends decided to go have a drink. It was early in the morning and none of the bars were open so they ended up down a hallway and in a room filled with 50-gallon barrels of jet fuel.
John said to his friend Gary, “A friend of mine drank this stuff once and it got him super high.”
Gary said, “Hey, let’s try some.”
They both drank their fill and laughed all the way to San Francisco on the plane.
Later that afternoon John called Gary to ask him if he was feeling O.K.
Gary said, “Yeah, just great. I’ve never felt so good after not sleeping all night—and I’m still laughing.”
John said, “Well, I just called to warn you—whatever you do, don’t pass gas—I did and ended up in Miami.”
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