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In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse whenone wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane, “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me feel like a woman! I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on the plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare riveted at the desperate woman in front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He’s gorgeous — tall, built with long, flowing balck hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers: “Iron this.”
— Submitted by John Allen
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Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.”
With that said and done, the next time God looked the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were shipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
And the man replied, “I don’t know, my wife told me to stand here.”
— Submitted by John Allen
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Microsoft announced recently that the introduction of their new, Windows 2000 operating system will be delayed until January 1,1901
Submitted by Don L. Fallick
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A WORD GAME
The Washington Post’s “Style International” asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 1998 winners.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.
Doltergeist: A spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your septic tank
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.
Shtupfather: Woody Allen
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly
Guillozine: A magazine for executioners
Karmageddon: It’s like when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
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GUY TALK
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand while fish swim by in complete safety.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance of making it logical.”
“We’re going to be late.”
Really means: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means: “Are you still talking.”
“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means: “I sure hope I think of some reasons
pretty soon.”
“I can’t find it.”
Really means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means: “I’m lost. I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again.”
“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
Really means: “I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
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1st Moron: “Do you know that when the Titanic sank, and all those people drowned, they were only two miles from land?”
2nd Moron: “Really? Which direction?”
1st Moron: ” Straight down.”
Why do they bury lawyers 50 feet underground?
Because deep down, they’re really nice guys!
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OFFENSIVE JOKES
Marriage Jokes:
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
Q: If your husband keeps stumbling around the backyard, what should you do?
A: Shoot him again.
Quotes from Hollywood:
“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
— Jerry Seinfeld
“If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.”
— Jay Leno
“I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don’t know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kinds of girls: ‘I’m hot. I’m on fire. Me, me, me.’ You know. ‘Help me, put me out.’ Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit.”
— Garry Shandling
“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us
geography.”
— Paul Rodriguez
Miscellaneous quotes:
I believe in making the world safe for children, but not our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having sex.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I’m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
I hope after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”
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