Jokes about men
“A Woman’s body is a work of art. A man’s body is utilitarian. It’s for gettin’ around. Kinda like a Jeep.”
" Elaine on Seinfeld on why men shouldn’t walk around naked
Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouths out with beer.
Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.
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Jokes about women
Q: Why did God create Adam first?
A: So he’d have a chance to talk before Eve came along.
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
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Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them deep into the Alaskan wilderness to hunt moose. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged four huge bull moose. The pilot returns, as arranged, to pick them up.
They started loading their gear into the plane, including the four moose. But the pilot objected. He said, “The plane can take out only two of your moose. You will have to leave two behind.”
One of the hunters pushed forward, “Hey, last year our pilot let us take out four moose. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What’s with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.”
Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all four moose aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, “Do you know where we are?”
“I think so,” replied the other Redneck. “Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!”
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A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, “What’ll you have?”
The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian Club.”
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A construction worker walks into a bar. He’s a huge, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it down, and bellows, “All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!” A pall of silence falls over the bar.
He glares at them and asks “Anyone got a problem with that?” The silence deepens.
He grabs another beer, swills it down and yells, “And all you guys on the other side of the bar, you’re all scum!” Again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, “Anyone got a problem with that? Anyone?”
A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
“You got a problem, buddy?” the construction worker asks.
“Yeah, I’m sitting on the wrong side of the bar.”
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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around, and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked a flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” the flight attendant explained, “and it took us a while to find another pilot.”
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A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the duck’s former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
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