Irreverent Jokes – Issue #77

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #77

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the Title, and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for being so dumb as to use a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blond replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week.

Little Ben got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week"” he began.

“Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Krup, the teacher. “Is he all right now?”

“He must be,” said little Ben. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm.

He asked his mom, “Where did we get him?”

His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”

Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”

The Family Car

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we’ll talk about it.”

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father’s study where the father said, “Son, I’ve been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied the Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut.”

The young man waited a moment and then replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and Jesus had long hair.”

His Father said, “Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked.”

A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

Jennifer’s big formal wedding was fast approaching and she was delighted to hear that her Mom, Sheila, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress.

Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother, Fawn, had purchased the same dress.

She asked her stepmother to buy another dress since her Mom had already altered her purchase. Fawn refused.

After two more weeks of frustrating shopping, Sheila found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but would serve.

When asked by a friend what she would do with her original dress, she grinned and replied, “I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!”

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, “To what do you attribute your good health?”

The old timer said, “I’m a turkey hunter and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains.”

The doctor said, “Well, I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?”

The old timer said, “Who said my dad’s dead?”

The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your dad’s still alive? How old is he?”

The old timer said, “He’s 100 years old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that’s why he’s still alive… he’s a turkey hunter.”

The doctor said, “Well, that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it. How about your dad’s dad? How old was he when he died?”

The old timer said, “Who said my grandpa’s dead?”

The doctor said, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! How old is he?”

The old timer said, “He’s 118 years old.”

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, “I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?”

The old timer said, “No… Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he got married.”

The Doctor said in amazement, “Got married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?”

The old timer said, “Who said he wanted to?”

Travelling across country by car, I decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the restroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall ask, “Hi, how’s it going?”

I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in restrooms sitting on a toilet. I didn’t know what to say, so finally I said, “Not bad.”

Then the voice asks, “So, what are you doing?”

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I reply, “Well, I’m going back east…”

Then I hear the guy, all flustered, say, “Look, I’ll call you back. Every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall starts talking to me”

These days, parents pray the youngest child will get married and move out before the oldest one gets divorced and moves back in.

The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed. She asked for a little warm milk to sip so a nun went to the kitchen to warm some milk.

Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. “Mother, Mother” the nuns cried, “Give us some wisdom before you die!”

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face, and pointing out the window she said, “Don’t sell that cow!”

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

A tale of two old girls

Sadie and Mildred, two Arkansas widows, are talking over a cup of tea.

Sadie: “That nice old widower, Jimmy Tobin, asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.

Mildred: “Well, girl…I’ll tell you. He shows up at the senior citizen’s center just like a clock. He told me to get dressed up and I bought a brand new dress. And is he ever dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me a big batch of flowers. Floyd never brung me flowers. Then he takes me downstairs and what’s there but such a beautiful car. I think it was a Ford. Air conditioning and everything.

“Then he takes me out for supper. Beautiful meal. Roast pork even, and lovely mashed potatoes with no lumps like usual in them fancy restaurants.

“And then he took me for a beautiful drive. You know how I likes drives.

“I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure. So then we’re coming back to the senior center, I invite him in for a cup of tea and into an animal he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me"two times.”

Sadie: “Oh, my God, I’m glad you told me this. So are you telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Mildred: “No, woman, I’m just saying that if you go, wear an old dress.

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