Backwoods Home Magazine
Backwoods Home Magazine Backwoods Home Magazine
Volume 15 • Number 4 April, 2013

INSIDE BHM

Mountain House Foods

Looking for emergency packs of Mountain House freeze-dried, long-term storage foods? We have 'em in our General Store.

Backwoods Home Magazine is a dealer for Mountain House/Oregon Freeze Dry. We've started with the four most popular Mountain House items, the Just In Case...72-Hour Kit, Just In Case...Classic Assortment Bucket, Just In Case...Classic Assortment Bucket, and the Best Sellers Kit. See this month's Special Offer, below.

The Whole Sheebang

We've added the Ask Jackie set of eight books to our popular Whole Sheebang. The Whole Sheebang includes 36 Anthologies and books — almost everything Backwoods Home publishes. Plus, it includes a FREE two-year subscription! Click Here to learn more.

Local Band Triumphs

Some of you may know the story of the Gold Beach High School Band. The band was forced to disband and re-form as a club because Backwoods Home Business Manager Lenie Duffy, the highly-qualified volunteer instructor, was not certified to teach in Oregon.

The band played to a packed house for their final "Spring Concert" and received a raucous standing ovation!

The young men and women worked long and hard to earn the money for a trip to Las Vegas. Among other activities, they saw the nationally-acclaimed stage show Blue Man Group.

Five-Year Subscription

We keep trying to end our Five-Year Subscription Special, but folks keep demanding we extend it, so if you missed it in the past, you still have a chance to save $78 and lock in a subscription for five years at current rates. And if you hurry, you can still get three FREE books with the subscription! Click Here for more information.

Tech Corner

It took a lot longer than we expected, but Apple finally approved our new iPad reading app earlier this month and we're closing in on 1,000 downloads.

Our Current Issue #141 and a special giveaway of Back Issue #139 will be released to all app users this week.

If you're an iPad user, please spread the news far and wide to your family and friends that Backwoods Home is in the App Store!

Special Offer

For our Special Offer this month for Newsletter readers, we're offering $10 off each of the four Mountain House "Just in Case" and "Best Seller" packs we offer.

No codes or coupons are needed. Just visit the Special Offer page and select the item(s) and quantity you want.

Click Here for the Special Offer page.

Bonus Article

Buy and live local

By Leila Bolster

In the past year my husband and I have tried to buy local. We now buy our veggies at our town's farmers' market and eat what is in season. We raise our own eggs and also raise our vegetables where possible in our difficult soil. We buy feed for our chickens that is local and we feed our chickens on the refuse veggies — often fresh — that are given us by local agencies, the farmers' market, and restaurants. With all the greens and organic food that the chickens receive, the eggs are absolutely lovely and huge — some reaching even 3 ounces. When people buy from us they save $1 per dozen off their eggs if they give us a large bag of greens or fruit peelings to feed our flock — a form of mutually beneficial barter. People like the idea that their greens are coming back to them in the eggs that they eat.

Sometimes the farmers give me veggies that are still good but just did not sell, and we barter for their extras. As I home can and preserve for myself, I can or dry half what they give me for them. It is mutually beneficial for some of the farmers to resell what I preserve for them or to serve it to their families. Thus, I am spending next to nothing to make delicious food for my family to prepare for when there is no fresh food. The dried fruits and veggies have enzymes in them that are still alive and are waiting for January and February when we have no fresh veggies except for root vegetables. They also travel well and are good for long trips to Portland and back.

Well-fed chickens can lay huge eggs.

The local strawberries I get from the farmers' market are much sweeter than the soil-depleted insect-repellent-covered dry ones that travel from the south. They take a little longer to prepare with cutting out the slug bites and are a wee bit smaller, but they are so delicious and juicy.

My daughter's friend told me that local cranberries are the sweetest in the world, and I can get them from a local grower in Bandon, Oregon. Why would I buy crannies imported from Canada or the East Coast for my Thanksgiving dinner? I will support my local farmer.

I have learned that some store-bought honeys imported from China and other countries have all the pollen removed, water added, and sometimes have harmful antibiotics in them. I buy local honey or honey whose origin is marked. I feel there are beneficial effects from eating the local honey.

Instead of food being shipped from unknown sources, I know who has grown my food and I know how carefully it has been raised and picked. I even belong to a CSA (Consumer Supported Agriculture) where I pay a fee in partnership to fund my farmer to plant and grow the food, then I receive a box of food each week. In my box this week I am getting local wild mushrooms, squash, fruits, and cold weather veggies. I cannot describe the delicious difference. Often the veggies are unusual ones that would not bear selling to a grocery store — they would not last the trip.

Giving discounts for bags of greens keeps our customers as happy as our chickens.

Then there is gleaning — a form of barter that is mutually beneficial to the farmer and to the picker. The farmer's fruit is hanging on the tree attracting wasps, bear, and deer to the yard, but when we come and pick it we share an apple pie, fruit leather, and jam. We can share a jar of delicious spoonable relish made from his baseball-bat-sized, unsalable zucchinis. Since some of the amounts are too large for me to handle, I schedule a can-off where a group of ladies and barter members get together to peel apples or pears and make a bunch of pies for each other or dry a large amount of fruit. We make it a social event where we have a lunch together prepared at the home of whoever is sharing the bounty. I have had help making pickle relish, fruit leather, peach jam, and apple pies this way. All who participated are happy to take home something they have helped to make themselves, seasoned by taste test in small batches, made from local produce that would have been thrown away.

Here are some recipes we have used in our gleaning and can-offs:

Zucchini/cucumber sweet relish

10 cups ground zucchini
4 cups ground onion
1 red onion, 1 yellow onion, and 1 sweet white onion (or combination of what has been gleaned that week)
5 Tbsp. canning or kosher salt

Sprinkle 5 tablespoons canning or Kosher salt over vegetables and work it in.

Cover and let set overnight.

Rinse the salt out. Place in a cheesecloth or unbleached muslin dish towel and press out all the water.

In a large cooking pot, combine:

2¼ cups white vinegar
2 Tbsp. cornstarch (mix this with the vinegar)
2 cups sugar and ¼ cup honey or agave
¾ cup sweet red pepper (finely chopped)
¾ cup green pepper (finely chopped)
½ tsp. black pepper
1 Tbsp. nutmeg (I left this out)
1 Tbsp. dry mustard
2 tsp. celery seed
1 tsp. turmeric

Bring to a boil and add zucchini and onion. Simmer, uncovered, approximately 30 minutes.

Pour into hot, sterilized canning jars. Cover with hot lids and rings.

When putting jars into the water bath canner do not put the jars in hot water or your jars will break. Heat water slowly to a boil.

Process for 15 minutes in a water bath canner.

Remove carefully from water bath with tongs. Place on a wire rack away from drafts. Let sit for 24 hours to make sure jars seal. (They will "pop" when they seal.) Store in a dark place. Refrigerate after opening.

This makes an excellent relish for hot dogs.

Makes 6-8 pints

Zucchini/cucumber sweet relish

Leila's strawberry fruit leather

Hull and clean up enough strawberries to fill up your food processor or blender, and buzz them up until completely mushy.

Add 2 apples cut up and cored but not peeled, and buzz them up until mushy.

Add 1 ripe or overripe pear cored and cut up but not peeled, and buzz it up until mushy.

Taste it to see how sweet it is and add honey or agave syrup to reach the desired level of sweetness.

Line your dehydrator trays with baker's parchment paper or waxed paper. Grease the paper with coconut oil using a large spatula or your hands.

Carefully smooth about a one-inch layer of fruit. Put in the dryer for 8 to 12 hours or until dry but moist enough not to be crispy.

Roll it up and cut it into pieces like candy. Store in a glass jar. (I put a packet of silica gel in with it which I have salvaged from my vitamins.)

Leila's banana-strawberry fruit leather

Someone gave me a huge box of bananas that were nice and ripe — too ripe to sell, but not too ripe to eat. So we tried adding them to the strawberry leather. Oh my! That was so good!

Take the above recipe and add two mashed bananas — do not use the blender but use a hand masher as the small banana chunks make this much tastier. The vitamin C in the strawberries keeps the bananas from browning.

This will last for an even shorter time than the plain leather.

Nuts and other ingredients can be added to the basic recipe above to make a more complete food.

COMMENTARY FEEDBACK

Last issue, we posted the video, Gun Control Works. Its message was not exactly what the title implies.

Thank you to all who responded!

Many of you agreed with the video:

Fred P. — Those that do not know history are bound to repeat it. Gun control has always been the precursor to confiscation, and then genocide. Anyone who thinks the government is purchasing 1.6 million rounds of hollow point ammo for training is just naive.

Becky S. — No!! I do not think they are scaremongering. I totally agree with the message. History has taught us that an unarmed citizenry is totally defenseless against an armed government. We would do well to heed history's lesson.

Tommy D. — It's all about people control. With private ownership of firearms, the authorities have to be careful about trying to force an agenda on people. The federal gov't. already ignores the constitution's bill of rights; the loss of rights garanteed by the 2nd amendment is the final straw that will break the camel's back.

Infringement means trying to regulate or control ownership of firearms; including requiring background checks.

Soon, if guns are outlawed, all responsible gun owners that resist confiscation will by definition become outlaws, and subject to SWAT action, or even drone attack!

Carolyn G. — Love the video and shared it on Facebook. I think it is 100% right.

Darcy C. — I loved the video. Short and Sweet but has loads of info for those not inclined to read several articles or watch a documentary on the subject.

Those statistics should be enough to convince anyone that government cannot and should not be trusted. We all like to be coddled and cared for, but it is the people who trust government and take its handouts and its word for face value who will be dropped like a hot potato when the US government defaults. We need to take responsibility for our lives.

Edwin B. — It is very difficult for anyone to argue against the TRUTH ! So far, our news media, most elected officials, and FOR SURE the current occupent of the White House are trying to do just that by feeding the unknowing all the lies they can come up with.

What will be next if they take our guns? Chain saws, hammers, baseball bats? How about autos?

Morana R. — I love the video...and believe she is right.

While I dont believe that I need an assualt rifle, I think if more people carried weapons and we trained in weapons that there would be a lot less crime.

In the area I live, there is little crime. Of course, everyone carries a weapon most of the time. When people get into arguments, they are not "shot" as proponenets of gun bans believe, there are just some nasty fist fights.

But some of you had different takes on the subject:

Mark H. — It's sad that these people, who are statistically more likely to shoot themselves or someone they know than any government soldier, are or seem to be so scared of some perceived threat of imminent government attack on them.

As a multiple gun owner and veteran I see no real evidence of the boogie-man they appear to fear. The purchase of huge amounts of ammo is, I'm sure based on volume discounts offered by the manufacturers as with many other products.

Tim D. — I am not a gun owner but I do believe in the right to own a gun. That being said I also feel there is need for gun control in this country. I do not believe it is safe for assault type weapons to be available to the citizenry. Large capacity automatic weapons should be reserved for use by law enforcement or the military. Those who feel they need to arm themselves in a way to protect themselves from government oppression I think are deluded that they are capable of doing so.

It seems to me that at the time the Second Amendment was formulated individual gun ownership provided a citizen with armament similar to that used by a government army or militia. The only difference was the number of individuals involved. Thus, a community could band together, form their own militia and essentially be of comparable stature as the military they were opposing.

Times have changed since then, immensely. The armaments available to the military are significantly more powerful than a gun owned by an individual citizen. I think the concept of "right to bear arms" as means of protecting oneself from our governments military is outdated and naive.

Finally, Phil W. didn't offer an opinion, just this famous quote:

"This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration. Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future!"
        ~Adolph Hitler, 1935, on The Weapons Act of Nazi Germany

Sound like anyone you've heard or read lately?

COMMENTARY

In a recent blog post he titled What Democrats Need To See, Massad Ayoob posted a link sent in by a reader. It led to another blog post titled Dear Gun Control Democrats: 6 Ways to Make a Better Argument

The author describes himself as someone who is "politically far left of center." His essay, complete with graphics and video, lays bare the absurdity of the often disingenuous arguments used by the current administration and other true-believers in gun confiscation control.

The essay is not short, but it is well worth the time to read. And the videos are well-worth the time to watch.

Let us know what you think about the author, his essay, and the various points he makes. Is he a traitor to the left he embraces? Is he just telling it like it is?

Here is the link to the post.

Please send your comments via email to

RECIPES

MAYonnaise!

Broiled Tilapia Parmesan

1/2 cup Parmesan cheese
1/4 cup butter, softened
3 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon dried basil
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
1/8 teaspoon onion powder
1/8 teaspoon celery salt
2 pounds tilapia fillets

Preheat your oven's broiler. Grease a broiling pan or line pan with aluminum foil.

In a small bowl, mix together the Parmesan cheese, butter, mayonnaise, and lemon juice. Season with dried basil, pepper, onion powder, and celery salt. Mix well and set aside.

Arrange fillets in a single layer on the prepared pan. Broil a few inches from the heat for 2 to 3 minutes. Flip the fillets over and broil for a couple more minutes. Remove the fillets from the oven and cover them with the Parmesan cheese mixture on the top side. Broil for 2 more minutes or until the topping is browned and fish flakes easily with a fork. Be careful not to overcook the fish.

Serves: 8

California Grilled Veggie Sandwich

1/4 cup mayonnaise
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1/8 cup olive oil
1 cup sliced red bell peppers
1 small zucchini, sliced
1 red onion, sliced
1 small yellow squash, sliced
2 (4-x6-inch) focaccia bread pieces, split
horizontally
1/2 cup crumbled feta cheese

In a bowl, mix the mayonnaise, minced garlic, and lemon juice. Set aside in the refrigerator.

Preheat the grill for high heat.

Brush vegetables with olive oil on each side. Brush grate with oil. Place bell peppers and zucchini closest to the middle of the grill, and set onion and squash pieces around them. Cook for about 3 minutes, turn, and cook for another 3 minutes. The peppers may take a bit longer. Remove from grill, and set aside.

Spread some of the mayonnaise mixture on the cut sides of the bread, and sprinkle each one with feta cheese. Place on the grill cheese side up, and cover with lid for 2 to 3 minutes. This will warm the bread, and slightly melt the cheese. Watch carefully so the bottoms don't burn. Remove from grill, and layer with the vegetables. Enjoy as open faced grilled sandwiches.

Serves: 4

Holiday Chicken Salad

4 cups cubed, cooked chicken meat
1 cup mayonnaise
1 teaspoon paprika
1 1/2 cups dried cranberries
1 cup chopped celery
2 green onions, chopped
1/2 cup minced green bell pepper
1 cup chopped pecans
1 teaspoon seasoning salt
ground black pepper to taste

In a medium bowl, mix together mayonnaise with paprika and seasoned salt. Blend in dried cranberries, celery, bell pepper, onion, and nuts. Add chopped chicken and mix well. Season with black pepper to taste. Chill 1 hour.

Serves: 12

Chocolate Chip Banana Bread

1 cup shortening
2 cups white sugar
2 eggs
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
6 very ripe bananas, mashed
3 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease two 9 x 5 inch loaf pans.

In a large bowl, cream together the shortening and sugar until light and fluffy. Stir in the eggs one at a time, beating well with each addition. Stir in the mayonnaise and bananas. Stir together the flour, salt, baking powder, and baking soda. Blend the flour mixture into the banana mixture; stir just enough to evenly combine. Fold in the chocolate chips and walnuts.

Bake at 350 degrees F until a toothpick inserted into the center of the loaf comes out clean, about 50 to 75 minutes. Cool loaf in the pan for 20 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely.

Serves: 20

Hot Spinach, Artichoke, and Chile Dip

2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese,
softened
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 (4.5 ounce) can chopped green chiles,
drained
1 cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
1 (12 ounce) jar marinated artichoke
hearts, drained and chopped
1/4 cup canned chopped jalapeño peppers, drained
1 (10 ounce) box frozen chopped
spinach, thawed and drained

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Mix together the cream cheese and mayonnaise in a bowl until smooth. Stir in the green chiles, Parmesan cheese, artichokes, peppers, and spinach. Spoon the mixture into a baking dish.

Bake in preheated oven until slightly browned, about 30 minutes.

Serves: 10

Red Broccoli Salad

2 pounds bacon
1 large head fresh broccoli, chopped
3/4 cup chopped celery
1/4 cup minced green onions
1/4 cup diced red onion
1 1/2 cups seedless grapes, halved
3/4 cup blanched slivered almonds
1/4 cup white sugar
2 tablespoons distilled white vinegar
1 cup mayonnaise

Place bacon in a large skillet. Cook, turning frequently, over medium high heat until evenly browned. Cool, and then crumble.

Preheat oven to 300 degrees F. Spread slivered almonds on a cookie sheet. Bake for approximately 12 to 14 minutes or until lightly browned, turning once during toasting. Cool.

In a small bowl, mix together mayonnaise, sugar, and vinegar. Set aside.

In a large bowl, combine broccoli, crumbled bacon, celery, green onions, red onions, grapes, and toasted almonds. Toss with mayonnaise dressing. Chill for several hours in the refrigerator.

Serves: 10

Aussie Chicken

4 skinless, boneless chicken breast
halves - pounded to 1/2 inch thickness
2 teaspoons seasoning salt
6 slices bacon, cut in half
1/2 cup prepared yellow mustard
1/2 cup honey
1/4 cup light corn syrup
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon dried onion flakes
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 cup sliced fresh mushrooms
2 cups shredded Colby-Monterey Jack cheese
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley

Rub the chicken breasts with the seasoning salt, cover and refrigerate for 30 minutes.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Place bacon in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium high heat until crisp. Set aside.

In a medium bowl, combine the mustard, honey, corn syrup, mayonnaise, and dried onion flakes. Remove half of sauce, cover and refrigerate to serve later.

Heat oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Place the breasts in the skillet and saute for 3 to 5 minutes per side, or until browned. Remove from skillet and place the breasts into a 9x13 inch baking dish. Apply the honey mustard sauce to each breast, then layer each breast with mushrooms and bacon. Sprinkle top with shredded cheese.

Bake in preheated oven for 15 minutes, or until cheese is melted and chicken juices run clear. Garnish with parsley and serve with the reserved honey mustard sauce.

Serves: 4

Fish Tacos

1 cup all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1 cup beer
1/2 cup plain yogurt
1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 lime, juiced
1 jalapeño pepper, minced
1 teaspoon minced capers
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 teaspoon dried dill weed
1 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
1 quart oil for frying
1 pound cod fillets, cut into 2 to 3 ounce
portions
1 (12 ounce) package corn tortillas
1/2 medium head cabbage, finely shredded

To make beer batter: In a large bowl, combine flour, cornstarch, baking powder, and salt. Blend egg and beer, then quickly stir into the flour mixture (don't worry about a few lumps).

To make white sauce: In a medium bowl, mix together yogurt and mayonnaise. Gradually stir in fresh lime juice until consistency is slightly runny. Season with jalapeño, capers, oregano, cumin, dill, and cayenne.

Heat oil in deep-fryer to 375 degrees F.

Dust fish pieces lightly with flour. Dip into beer batter, and fry until crisp and golden brown. Drain on paper towels. Lightly fry tortillas, but not too crisp. To serve, place fried fish in a tortilla, and top with shredded cabbage and white sauce.

Serves: 8

Blueberry Crisp

4 cups fresh blueberries
1 cup all-purpose flour
3/4 cup white sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 cup mayonnaise

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Place the blueberries into an 8 x 8 baking dish. In a medium bowl, stir together the flour, sugar, and cinnamon. Stir in the mayonnaise until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs. Sprinkle over the top of the berries.

Bake for 35 to 40 minutes in the preheated oven, until the top is lightly browned.

Serves: 8

Scotch Eggs with Mustard Sauce

1 egg
1 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup yellow mustard
2 tablespoons white sugar

6 eggs
2 quarts oil for deep frying
12 ounces ground pork sausage
1 tablespoon dried parsley, crushed
2 teaspoons grated lemon zest
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon dried marjoram
salt and pepper to taste
1 egg, beaten
4 ounces dry bread crumbs

To make the mustard sauce: Crack 1 egg into a small saucepan. With the heat on low, stir in mayonnaise, mustard, and sugar. When it just starts to boil, it's done. Remove and let sit until cool, then chill for at least 10 minutes.

Place 6 whole eggs in a saucepan and cover with cold water. Bring water to a boil and cook eggs for 10 to 12 minutes. Remove from hot water, cool, peel.

Heat oil in deep-fryer to 375 degrees F.

Put the sausage into a bowl with the finely parsley, lemon rind, nutmeg, marjoram, salt and pepper. Work all the ingredients well into the sausage with your hands. Make a coating for each hand boiled egg out of the sausage, working it round the eggs with wet hands to form an even layer. Roll the covered eggs in beaten egg, and then in dried breadcrumbs.

Carefully slide in 3 eggs and fry for 4 to 5 minutes, until they turn deep golden brown. Turn them as they cook so that they brown evenly. Remove with a slotted spoon, drain on paper towel, and repeat with the remaining 3 eggs. Serve eggs with mustard sauce.

Serves: 6

HUMOR

Thanks to Mary M., John S. and hotthaus for the humor in this issue.

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac, doing 65 MPH with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I had to put on my seat belt, which made me drop my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, my cell phone slippped away from between my ear and shoulder and fell into the coffee between my legs, whch splashed and burned Big Jim and the twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers.


Thanks for the memories

For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents or check out YouTube.

Bob Hope...

ON TURNING 70: I still chase women, but only downhill.

ON TURNING 80: That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

ON TURNING 90: You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

ON TURNING 100: I dont feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, Passover.

ON GOLF: Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, Mother threw on another brother.

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.


When you're from the country,
your prespective is a little bit different

A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town," said the boy.

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" asked the farmer.

"No, he went with Mom and Dad," the boy answered.

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message," said the boy.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant.".

The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."


Ain't it the truth...

Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People.'

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter!


Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."

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