A middle-aged man is speeding down an open country road. Eventually he attracts the attention of a state patrol officer who begins pursuit. For some time the man keeps his speed up and refuses to pull over. Finally, the man comes to his senses and pulls over to the side of the road.

The seasoned Officer offers the offender a chance to redeem himself. “I’m tired and my shift is almost over. I’ll let you go if you can come up with an excuse for why you didn’t pull over that I haven’t heard before.”

The speeder thinks to himself for a bit and offers the following response: “Twenty years ago my wife ran off with a state patrol officer. I thought you were trying to bring her back.”

With that the officer turns back towards his car and says, “Have a nice day, sir.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

The graveside service had just barely finished when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

A fire started in a pasture near a farm in eastern North Carolina. The fire department from a nearby city was called to put out the fire. The fire proved to be more than the city fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt they could be of any assistance, the call was made.

Five minutes later, the volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon, they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two, easily controllable parts.

The farmer was impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared. The next day he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds. “That should be obvious,” responded the captain. “The first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that there fire truck.”

“Johnnie.”

“Yes, teacher.”

“If there are twenty sheep in a field, and one gets out through a hole in the fence, how many sheep are left in the field?”

“None, teacher.”

“Johnnie, there are still nineteen sheep left in the field. Obviously you don’t know arithmetic.”

“Sorry, teacher, but I do know arithmetic. Obviously you don’t know sheep.”