Irreverent Jokes – Issue #53

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #53

California Radio Show Excerpt

Female newscaster: “So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?”
Mr. Jones: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, shooting…”
Female newscaster: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”
Mr. Jones: “I don’t see why; they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”
Female newscaster: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”
Mr. Jones: “I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range disipline before they even touch a firearm.”
Female newscaster: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”
Mr. Jones: “Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?”

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

Four Catholic women were sitting around sipping coffee.

The first woman said, “My son is a priest. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Good morning, Father.’.”

The second woman said, “Well, my son is a Bishop, and whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Good morning, Your Grace.’.”

The third woman said, “My son is a Cardinal, and when he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Good morning, Your Eminence.’.”

The fourth woman sat quietly, drinking her coffee, until the other three finally said, “Well, how about your son?”

She answered, “Well, my son is 6′ 2″, broad-shouldered, handsome, with dark hair and blue eyes, and whenever he walks into a room, the women all say, ‘Oh my God!’.”

— Submitted by Walter Scott Hughes

News you may have missed

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame, as he had merely been listening to his walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. You’ve guessed it; he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

— Submitted by Montey R. Eldridge

It is two o’clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks up the phone and says, “Hello? How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” promptly slamming the phone down.

His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”

The husband replies, “I don’t know, it was some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

European News Note

The European Commission has just announced an agreement where-by the official language of the European Union (EU) will now be English, rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase in plan that will be known as “EuroEnglish.”
In the first year, “S” will replace the soft “C.” Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants skip with joy. The hard “C” will be dropped in favor of the “K.” This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
In the sekond year, there will be growing publik enthusiasm when the troublesome “PH” will be replaced with the “F.” This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Government will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent “E” in the languag is disgrasful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “TH” with “Z” and “W” with “V.”
During ze fifz yar, ze unesesary “O” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “OU” and similar changs vud of kurs be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yar, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubts or difikultis and evrivun wil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”

4. “Were you alone or by yourself?”

5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

6. “Did he kill you?”

7. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

8. “How many times have you committed suicide?”

9. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”

10. Q: “She had three children, right?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “How many were boys?”
A: “None.”
Q: “How many were girls?”

11. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
A: “Yes.”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

12. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”
A: “Oral.”

13. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”

14. Q: “You were shot in the fracas?”
A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”

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