Irreverent Jokes – Issue #75

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #75

Fatal things to say to your pregnant wife

“Hey, when you’re finished puckin’ in there, get me a beer, willya?”

“That’s not a bun in the oven"it’s the whole friggin’ bakery.”

“Sweetheart, where’d you put that Victoria’s Secret catalog?”

“Roseann, what have you done with my wife?”

“You don’t have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass.”

O’Malley moved from Ireland to New York and the first thing he did was find a bar. He went in, ordered three beers, then retired to a booth and drank a little from one, then the second, then the third. He continued this until all three beers were gone.

After that, he showed up everyday, ordered three beers, and drank them the same way.

After a month of this the bartender finally said, “It’s none of my business, but the way you order your beer, by the time you finish the last one it’s got to be warm and flat.”

O’Malley replied, “When I lived in Ireland my two brothers and I went to the local pub after work every day and each had a pint and we always vowed that should we ever separate we’d still order three beers and drink them, even if we were alone.”

“Oh,” the bartender nodded. “Now I understand.”

O’Malley continued to show up every day and order three beers until, one day, he came in and ordered just two. He took them back to a booth and proceeded to drink them.

The bartender watched him for a few minutes, then went around the bar and approached his booth. “May I give you my condolences?” he asked.

“For what?” O’Malley asked.

“Well, I see you ordered only two beers today, so I figure something happened to one of your brothers.”

“Oh, no,” O’Malley exclaimed. “I just married a Baptist and she made me give up drinking. But that in no way affects my brothers.”

Airport Screening

To ensure we Americans never offend anyone"particularly fanatics intent on killing us (and liberals)"airport screeners will not be allowed to profile people. They will continue random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips. Let’s pause a moment and take the following test.

In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by

(a) Norwegians from Ballard

(b) Elvis

(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by

(a) A pizza delivery boy

(b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training

(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by

(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in “Godfather 2”

(b) The Tooth Fairy

(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over from the train mission

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by

(a) Mr. Rogers

(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill’s women problems

(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain: “Mustapha the Merciless”

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by

(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd

(b) The Supreme Court of Florida trying to outdo their attempted hijacking of the 2000 Presidential election

(c) The Swedish women’s volleyball team

(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

See, ain’t no patterns here.

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