An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward. “Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”

“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father loaned me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

A short history of medicine

“Doctor, I have an ear ache.”

2000 B.C. — “Here, eat this root.”

1000 B.C. — “That root is heathen, say this prayer.”

1850 A.D. — “That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.”

1940 A.D. — “That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.”

1985 A.D. — “That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.”

2000 A.D. — “That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!”

Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.

“Give me your money!” he demanded.

The man stiffened, but said indignantly, “You can’t do this to me — I’m a U. S. Congressman!”

“In that case,” replied the mugger, “give me my money!”

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumberyard. One of the men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“All right. How long do you need them?”

The customer paused for a moment and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while he returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re going to build a house.”

At an Irish wedding, someone said, “Would all the married men stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living?”

The bartender was almost crushed to death.