10 Commandments for Dogs 1. Thou shalt not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up. 2. Thou shalt not roll on dead fish. 3 Thou shalt not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box. 4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. 5. The sofa is not a “face towel.” 6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. 7. Sticking thy nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello.” 8. Thou shalt not throw up in the car. 9. Thou shalt not come in from outside and immediately drag thy butt. 10. Thou shalt not sit in the middle of the living room and lick thy crotch when we have company.

A good pun is it's own re-word • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. • Without geometry, life is pointless. • Pasteurize: Too far to see. • Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston. • Incongruous: Where bills are passed. • Sea captains don’t like crew cuts. • Corduroy pillows are making headlines. • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded. • If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons? • Energizer Bunny arrested—charged with battery. • A pessimist’s blood type is always B-negative. • Practice safe eating—always use condiments. • A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. • Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. • A hangover is the wrath of grapes. • Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The neighbors feared the man the most. He was constantly heard stating, “When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and for strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there were no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions was becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: “Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? This man who practiced black magic stated that when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.” The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”

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