Q: What do Osama bin Laden and General Custer have in common? A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from.

Q: How do you play Taliban bingo? A: B-52...F-16...B-1...

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls rot in hell for eternity.” The lawyer thought for a moment. “Okay, what’s the catch?” he asked.

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes? A: Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer’s club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. “It ain’t so bad,” one crook noted. “We got $25 between us.” The boss screamed: “I warned you to stay clear of lawyers—we had $100 when we broke in!”

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!” The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. “Does your dog bite?” “No.” A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!” the man says indignantly. “That’s not my dog.”

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”

Q: What is a criminal lawyer? A: Redundant.

Q: Why are husbands like lawn mowers? A: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time. Q: How do men sort their laundry? A: “Filthy” and “Filthy but Wearable.” Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.” Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?” Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.”

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