At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.'”

Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, “She’s probably right.”

Linguists have discovered a new language spoken by a remote tribe in India that’s understood by only 1,000 people.

It’s called “tech support.”

The babysitter was struggling to get the little boy’s boots on when he exclaimed, “Wrong feet!”

She managed to keep her cool as together they struggled to take the boots off and then put them back on — this time on the right feet.

The boy spoke up, “These aren’t my boots.”

Once again the babysitter struggled to help him pull off the ill-fitting boots.

He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My mother makes me wear them.”

The babysitter didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots back on his feet.

She asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”

“I stuffed them in my boots,” he replied.

Three elderly couples were having tea one day.

They were chatting when one of the men, trying to get a chuckle, said to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey!”

A moment later, the second man said, “Pass the sugar, sugar!”

This got an even bigger laugh, so the third man, although not quite as clever or quick-witted as the other two, decided to join in the fun.

He waited for the perfect opportunity, cleared his throat and confidently said, “Pass the tea, bag!”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

During the first few weeks after quitting smoking, one fellow was difficult to live with.

Apologizing to his wife for his short temper, he commented, “I’ve gone from ‘Happy’ to ‘Grumpy.’ What’s next?”

“Lonely,” she replied.