Advice for women 1. Don’t imagine you can change a man unless he’s in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon—they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man’s mind wander—it’s too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same—they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don’t make fools of men—most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it. 10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 12. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks. 13. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 14. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Drugs for women DAMNITOL       Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. MOMMA’S WORT       Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. EMPTYNESTROGEN       Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out. PEPTOBIMBO       Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. DUMBEROL       When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks. FLIPITOR       Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. MENICILLIN       Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person...Can we get naked now?” BUYAGRA       Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree. JACKASSPIRIN       Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to put the toilet seat back down. ANTI-TALKSIDENT       A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. NAGAMENT       When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

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