A police officer called the station on his radio.

“I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“Not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Bill said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did

you?”

Larry replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?”

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection and motorcycles.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.”

“Ex wife!” She screams, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!”

Tom’s reply: “I wasn’t …”

What do you call an Irishman who has been dead 500 years? Peat.

My ex-wife still misses me…

but her aim is getting better.

One day a police panda car pulled up to Granny’s home and Grampy got out. The constable explained that this elderly gentlemen had said he was lost in the park.

“Why, Ivor,” said Granny, “You’ve been going there for more than 30 years! How on earth could you say you got lost?”

Leaning close to Granny so the police officer couldn’t hear, he whispered, “Wasn’t exactly lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”

On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” He leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, ” I can get you married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

“You must be bloody joking,” says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here … Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”