Irreverent Jokes – Issue #99

The Irreverent Joke Page

From Issue #99



Heavenly Reward

After his death, Osama bin Laden didn’t go to heaven, but to a holding area.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!”

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, “You wanted to end our liberties but you failed.”

James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the gut and said, “This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!”

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, “It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!”

These beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, “This is not what you promised me.”

The Angel replied, “I told you that if you followed through with your plans there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?”


While visiting a mental asylum, a relative of a patient asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

“Well,” said the director, “We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the director. “A normal person would pull the drain plug. Would you like a room with or without a view?”


Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

“Here’s your first question,” the foreman said. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” the Cajun says, “Dat is easy.” And he proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the boss asks.

“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Cajun.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “Ere you go.”

The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

“Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere you go. One hundred.”

The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!”

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd. Dat make one hundred. So, when I start?”

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