If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

She looked too much like such a sweet little old lady to be driving down the street with a bumper sticker that said, “Grow your own dope.”

How sweet, thought I, she must be a medical marijuana patient.

But at a light, I got a chance to read the small print on the sticker: “Plant a man.”

The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming.

When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!”

The magistrate looked at him and replied, “And you must be what’s passing through.”

1. Two Italian men and one Italian woman

2. Two French men and one French woman

3. Two German men and one German woman

4. Two Greek men and one Greek woman

5. Two English men and one English woman

6. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

7. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

8. Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

9. Two Irish men and one Irish woman

10. Two American men and one American woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

1. One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.

2. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.

3. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

4. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

5. The two English men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

6. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and died swimming to the English Island.

7. The two Japanese men faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

8. The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

9. The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a couple of liters of coconut whiskey. However, they’re satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun.

10. The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin and hair, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the cause of her problems, and why didn’t they bring a cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued so she can get her nails done and go shopping.